Vicky Pattison Transcript

Interview transcript

Interviewer – Natalie Edwards

Interviewee – Vicky Pattison

Natalie: First of all, try and sum it up, what journey have you been through with your body?

Vicky: It is very up and down, and its not something that I try and stress myself out over. I feel like if anything, it’s everyone else that seems more interested in it than I am. Which is frustrating. Sometimes I’m bigger, and sometimes I’m smaller. I’m never really bigger than, like a curvy size ten and I’ m never ever smaller than a curvy size eight. I fluctuate a very small margin, but the wrong angle or the wrong outfit or the wrong situation can just magnify the situation so much.  The biggest part of my journey is that people are keener to see the down side, and the bad images than they are to see the good, which is the only frustrating part for me. However having said that I have received a lot of support and a lot of lovely messages and things like that. Listen I’m not stressed about it, I’m all right. I feel like everyone else gets more worked up than I do. I’m just keen for people to know a true representation of what I actually look like and also for women to support one another.  I think beauty comes in all shapes and all sizes and I completely believe that. For me, I have been a size sixteen, I have, which is why I know I’m not at the minute despite what everyone thinks of me and whatever New magazine is saying, let’s not get in to that! I know that I’m not, and I think you can be beautiful at a size sixteen, and I think you can be beautiful at a size six. Long legs, short legs, big bum, small bum, little boobs, big boobs, whatever you have got, as long as your confident, as long as you are happy and you own it that is what shines through and that is what is attractive.  I am my most confident, and I know in my heart that I am my most attractive when I’m around a size eight to ten and that’s just me, that’s where I like to be. I like to look strong, I like to be strong I think more than look strong because I don’t think I could deal with a lot of the nasty things that get said and written if I wasn’t physically and mentally strong.

N: One hundred percent, we were actually having that conversation earlier on actually and I wanted to actually come on to that to remind people that you are actually human at the end of the day. Just taking you back, when you said that you feel like people are happier to see the more negative side of those pictures, why do you think that is?

V: It’s a difficult one, and I am making a sweeping generalization when I say that but there are reasons why these pictures get brought up, there is a reason why people are after things like that. It confuses me because, you know when you’re on the daily mail or you flick through the mags, I don’t stare at bad pictures of people. I think you bastards; she was on holiday there! I just thin why, she was at the gym or it was a bag angle, or she was pushing a pushchair! I think back off and let these women live! What I stare at is I think, oh she has gone out looking good there, there she is on a girl’s night out, and doesn’t she look brilliant, I wonder where she got those shoes!

N: The sisterhood!

V: Unfortunately, I think a lot of people who, I dunno, it’s easy to look at a picture of someone and feel like, and oh god they are human. I have never ever said I’m perfect, I’m far from it. I feel like certain times it’s easier for people to look at someone and sort of think, oh god doesn’t she look bad there or whatever, and not relate to it but almost make them feel better about themselves. I don’t know who these people are necessarily because when I posted a video that I put up last night the support I received was overwhelming. It got watched over half a million times; I had Jessie from little mix tweet us, Lauren Goodger, Linda Robson.

N: They have both been through it you know, like Jessie, some of the hate that she gets over her feed; it’s awful it’s disgusting!

V: I don’t understand it; I can’t understand it at all. You know what it is, I don’t know how much I can say to you about this, I feel like its more the press rather than people you know.

N: Right, yeah.

V: Do you know what I mean? Honestly when I put that up the amount of nice messages I got from normal people saying ‘’your bodies great, we have always loved your attitude, we love your personality, and you look fab Vick keep being strong’’ and I think these are normal people, these are nice people, so who is it that’s wanting to see these pictures and who is it that’s writing these nasty things? I mean I am as confused as anyone else because I don’t like to see them about myself or about anyone else. I think that everyone has got a right to go to the gym, or to work out, or to be on holiday in a bikini and to do whatever you want without having people criticizing the way you look. There is so much more than women have to offer.

N: Well that’s the thing, every woman whether she is a size six or a size sixteen, has good days and has bad days, and it fluctuates. You know, you feel good when you’re not on your period, bad when you are!

V: It is that, especially for girls. Don’t get it wrong blokes probably get it just as much but I feel like woman, like you said no matter what size we are, we can have a good day and we can have a bad day, we can have a good angle and we can have a bad angle, I just wish people weren’t so fixated on it. Lets just lighten up, chill out, live your life a little bit, that’s what I’m all about.

N: Completely! Do you mind me asking, when it did come to your attention, those pictures this morning, how did it make you feel?

V: It wasn’t even this morning, it was yesterday, and obviously, New magazine came out yesterday, it was Nadia my agent that had to tell me, and I was having a really nice day. The thing is, I’ve got this shoot today, I’ve got a nice big shoot tomorrow, I had been at boot camp and I was feeling better about myself. I had been to James ___ event last week in my orange dress and everyone had been dead complimentary and it put me in a good mood, and then I see those pictures and I questioned myself. You sort of think, do I look like that? I thought I had been going to the gym, eating right and training hard and taking my mini V and all the rest of it, and your sort of a bit like, you doubt yourself, you question yourself and you think, is that how I look to everyone else? It put a downer on my day, it made me sad and it made me upset, and it made me embarrassed, it made me all those things. And I don’t know why, then I was just mad that I had allowed some sneaky man hiding in the bushes when I was working out, do you know what I mean? For some nasty magazine to print that, and I had allowed them to affect my day. So I thought you know what, fuck this. I went home, and I put on my sexy red one piece, and I did a video just to prove to people, no, this is what I look like, I am a nice size ten, I’ve got a lovely boyfriend, a great career, some fantastic friends, and I’m happy, I am genuinely happy. I eat well about, seventy-five percent of the time, and the twenty-five, I drink gin and tonics, and eat chocolate!

N: Who doesn’t?

V: I like the gym, but my life doesn’t revolve around it. I like myself more, I like my friends and I like the life I’ve got. I’m not going to let some pictures, no matter how unflattering, ruin my day.

N: I think that is completely, honestly I want to high five you! That is definitely that attitude you should have! And I want to talk about the career and the lovely boyfriend! Do you mind if I just ask, you mentioned that you felt embarrassed, why was that?

V: I think more that anything I preach being confident and comfortable in your skin, and I really mean it. Then you see something like that and you question if you are only comfortable and confident at a certain size. I don’t want to be one of these people who lecture women, love your body, love yourself no matter what size you are, but doesn’t feel it. I don’t wanna be that person. I want to completely believe whatever I say, and live it and feel it and practice what I preach. And when I see the pictures I thought, I don’t feel confident and I don’t feel comfortable. I feel upset. I felt embarrassed that I had let something so inconsequential hurt my feelings, that’s what it was. It was more my weakness that upset us. You know what sometimes mate, you can’t be strong all the time, you can always say.

N: I wouldn’t be able to deal with it; I’m telling you now I would probably have a breakdown.

V: I’m not a weak girl, I’m such a strong person, and I don’t give these people to much gravity, because you will drive yourself insane that way. I always maintain that its best to be positive, and you attract what you give out and good things will come your way if you always just have courage, be kind and try not to be a knob. Those are the three things I completely believe. Sometimes you just think, like, I’m fighting a bit of a losing battle, and you get a bit hurt, and you get a nit down. I think yesterday I sort of thought to myself, it is alright to cry, if you wanna cry its alright. Nobody should have to sort of have their life, and their body and the way they look scrutinized like that.

N: it’s just so unhealthy.

V: it’s not a good thing to promote to women.

N: One hundred percent!

V: To lie about the size I am as well, I just think it gives off such a negative image to young girls.

N: Completely! And then you know, I know it’s a completely different kettle of fish but like, eating disorders and stuff like that.

V: Just think like, they have to be I think, the press the media have to be mindful in the same way that I have to be mindful. Young girls are looking up to them. I don’t promote faggy diets; I don’t promote anything risky and unhealthy in terms of nutrition. I work hard, I train hard, and I like to have a life as well. And they have a similar responsibility in what they write and I don’t think they are taking it seriously, and that’s what hurts as well. Im dangerous, I know the rest of it.

N: Yeah completely, lets talk about your lifestyle then. You said you’re good kind of seventy five percent of the time! What is your kind of diet like and your exercise regime?

V:  So I love food, but I love to eat well I am a bit of a foodie, I love porridge for breakfast, and sometimes I have a smoothie or a juice. I love eggs, I am one of these like, and I’m a top instagram wanker. Honestly if you look at my instagrams of like sour dough bread, crushed avocado and poached eggs and feta, mate I could eat it everyday! I love to go to nice restaurants for brunch and breakfast, for everything. I could eat out every meal of the day, but just make sensible decisions when I’m there. Something like that is the perfect breakfast, then for lunch, you have just got to try and be mindful and sensible haven’t you. Sometimes a sandwich, a wrap, sometimes a soup or a salad, sometimes a shake. I snack on nuts, berries. Then an evening meal, if im in the house I like, im not fussy, I like chicken, fish, stir fries, loads of green veg because it fills me up. I’m a good eater. I think if you can eat as much green veg as possible, it does feel you up. Sweet potatoes or brown rice. That’s when I’m being good and healthy. Don’t get us wrong, I love a good glass of white wine. Me and me boyfriend happily have a meal and a bottle of wine between us that’s Friday night vibes. I love sushi, your black cod and your little ____ all stuff like that. I just enjoy living right, so its good food but sometimes, maybe at the weekend I might eat more than I should. We can all indulge cant we!

N: When was the last time you did jager bombs and a kebab?

V:I can’t remember the last time I did a jagerbomb! Honestly, the last time I did a tequila shot, so as sad as it is to say I’ve turned my back on…I hate it when people say, she’s changed she’s turned her back on her old life she thinks she’s too good for it! I do not think I am too good for my old life. I still love Newcastle, I still support everyone on Geordie shore, and I do not turn my back on them at all. I have turned my back on jager bombs, I hold my hands up! There is 300 calories in a jagerbomb!

N: They just taste rank as well!

V: It tastes like a mixture of oil and sugar, its just wrong! They give you such a bad hangover; it’s just not for me! I have turned my back on jagerbombs, but the last time I had a shot of tequila was Saturday night. I do still enjoy that; I do still like a drink.

N: And a kebab?

V: No, I mean, I think I only ever did kebabs when I was really drunk anyway, I think my kebab days are almost over, listen if you get us really drunk there might be cheesy chips in there. Once in a blue moon!

N: on this kind of body journey that we have been talking about, when would you say you have been the happiest, would you say its now?

V: You would be lying if you said a certain part of your happiness did not revolve around how you feel and how you look, it is such a big part for everyone. I am not going to sit here and say I am happy at whatever size I’m at because there are times when I do feel more confident. When I was too slim, very slim, I was a size six and I wasn’t happy. I was too fastidious; I was almost stressed to the point where I would fitness ___ everything I put in my mouth. I would count how many blueberries I put in my porridge.

N: Was it a bit of an obsession?

V: It’s difficult to keep up with, when your adding your green teas in and that, you think to yourself, have a day off Vick. I couldn’t really live the life I wanted to live, since then I have managed to maintain a relatively healthy size Last year I fell off the wagon slightly, but that was not down to not being focused, or not wanting to, it was just how busy I was.

N: Yeah, you were living in a hotel and things like that.

V: Living in a hotel mate, living out of a suitcase. I had no roots, I was jumping from one country to the next, I think in one month I went from Iceland for the ___ for you guys, to like the ____ coast with Ferne, to Tokyo to film for world of weird. It was like four different time zones in like a month. Whether I could get a kale smoothie wasn’t my priority on my mind, it was like, have I got any clean knickers? What day is it? Does my mum actually remember what I look like? It was all these things before I thought have I done my five kilometers this morning.

N: Understandable.

V: So that wasn’t like great for me in terms of my size and shape, or just general wellness. But this year I have made such a dedicated effort for myself, to do what’s right for me. I have taken my foot off the accelerator a little bit with my career and im not doing as much as I did last year. I think this year it is more important on what I say no to rather than what I say yes to. Im just focusing on taking my career where I can go rather than showing everyone that I can do everything! Being a bit more focused and also concentrating on my personal life and my body and everything. Things I felt were worse last year were my health and fitness, and my personal life. Without sounding dramatic, I pretty much didn’t have one, I certainly didn’t have that many people that I could count on around me. I didn’t have a significant other and I didn’t see my family enough. It was a necessary evil and I wouldn’t change it for the world, the things I came out with last year, the amazing experiences I had, the sort of professional things I managed to accomplish were incredible, but it left other areas of my life severely lacking. Im thirty this year, and I wasn’t willing to sacrifice the life I want to live, in terms of my body, the future I see myself having in terms of a relationship for a career I suppose. I would like to have a bit of balance; I would like to do it all.

N: You can do it all that way rather than what you were doing before.

V: I think I would like to enjoy myself in a more balanced and measured way, before that was real goal and focus of mine, there has been a lot of trips to boot camp. A lot of nice trips with my boyfriend.

N: I think I saw some of those!

V: In between the avocado and feta cheese?

N: Yeah!  Well talk to me about the boot camp. It was in Marrakech wasn’t it because I saw Norwich but im pretty sure it was in Marrakech?

V: It has been all over the shop mate.

N: Oh so there been two?

V: There have been three altogether this year. I like to think of a boot camp as a reset. When you’re at home, especially living in big cities like London, it’s hard. Your social life is good and you can easily get carried away with yourself. I quite often do, my boyfriend is a big eater, and if I were to eat with John at every meal I would look like a fridge with arms, im not even kidding you. He is ridiculous; he is 6’3,looks like Greek god, constant six pack, not a problem, genetical, is that a word? A genetic six-pack, I didn’t even think that was a thing. He has three croissants and two hash browns for breakfast, don’t right, he likes burgers and margarita pizzas for his lunch and then he has like half spaghetti bolognaise half pizza or a big lasagna that his mums made, a Sunday dinner. I will open up his glove compartment, moams fall out. It’s like what the fuck! So it makes my life pretty difficult when im with him. So when I need to take myself away after a holiday with John or after we have been on a wild weekend and I have indulged myself I just go to a boot camp and get my head down. Sometimes it’s a long weekend I go for, about three days, sometimes it’s a working week and sometimes im like no! I’m going to get my head down and go for a full week. I have been to one in Portugal this year.

N: So when was that?

V: January I went to one in Portugal. So in January I was filming virtually famous every Monday so I could only get away for five days. Then I went to Marrakech in February, that was nice and now I have just got back from Norfolk.

N: How long was Marrakech?

V: That was only like four days, because of the way the flights were it was quite a long one. But it was nice, they have all been amazing, they all do exactly what they say on the tin. You graft, you eat right, small but well. You exercise a lot and you come home and you feel good. And you go on a night out with your boyfriend to celebrate!

N: Nice! Love that! How long was Norfolk for?

V: Norfolk was a week. That was the one I have just got back from.

N: Nice, so do you find them quite an integral part of your routine then?

V: it is nice to have a reset babe, and I would recommend a boot camp to anybody. You need people from al sort of warps of life; you’re all there for a similar reason. Sometimes it can be hard on your own. Sticking to something is very difficult on your own. You go to these things, you learn, you gain knowledge; you get that real kick-start. For me it gets me in the right headspace. You can come back and you know if you start a diet on a Monday you can sort of play with it. Then Tuesday you are like no im really getting my head down! Wednesday you smash it, Thursday your like, weekend! Before you know it you’re having fun on a Friday again! So you go to boot camp and you really get in to the right frame of mind, then you come back and you can apply the things you have learnt. Every time I go to one I come back with a new what Sapp group, it’s nice. One of them messaged today and was like I’m in the background of them fucking pictures! I was like im sorry I cant apologize enough! Wasn’t ideal for me either!

N: how much of what you learn when doing your DVD do you still apply to normal day to day life?

V: So out of all the health and fitness projects I have done over the years, and there has been quite a few, there has been the DVD, mini V nutrition range, and even training to go to the jungle, then training to go to Iceland last year for you guys, all of the boot camps that I have done sporadically. You pick different things up at each one. Its funny the things that stick with you. Definitely over the years I have gained a considerable amount of knowledge. There is not an awful lot about fitness and nutrition that I don’t know now. I have learnt through one-way or another, through word of mouth, book, I have Jason vale as one of my good mates now, and he is just a font of knowledge and valuable information, he is such an amazing and inspirational man to be around. I spend time with him and his lovely partner Kate as much as I can, as they are just lovely people to be around. I have learnt from him, all sorts of stuff. I still apply everything I have learnt in everyday life, it’s whether I listen to it all the time that’s the problem. Every so often you have to let your hair down. I know that on a Friday night if me and John, or me and me sister of me mum are lying on the sofa watching the telly that what I should be doing is sipping a sparkling water and picking at blueberries but what we are going to do is have a nice bottle of Sancerre and a bag of tangfastics because its Friday and we can.

N: I love that! I love the attitude that you have got especially after everything you have been through online.

V: you have got too. I am so fortunate, I do amazing things like this for a living, and I have a great family and support system, a great boyfriend who is lush! I love the job I do and I am so lucky. That is just a downside of it, and in the big scheme of things it is a small one. When I’m having a good day I can completely say its water off a ducks back and just say this is one of the things I have to go through to get all the other good stuff. So fuck yous! But when im having a bad day I do want to cry. Sometimes crying is ok.

N: Honestly even on a good day I would be crying! I wish I had your head on my shoulders I must say.

V: I wasn’t always like that, I have got better, and you have too.

N: I was going to say actually, I know in the past you have obviously had therapy for certain feelings and self worth. So tying it in to being strong, and you do see these comments, wherever it is, how do you not go back to where you were before?

V: because im not going to let anyone else win. I think that what it comes down to. I would love to give you some fantastic quote plucked from some amazing philosopher who just explains my world in an amazing and positive way of thinking but its not. I have worked to hard to get where I am, and other people have worked to hard to get me where I am, I have had to much support and have had too many knocks now to let another silly one stop me from where I wanna go. There are loads of people who would love to see me fail, and there are loads of people who are going to buy these magazines. It boils down to that, im not going to let people see us cry, im not gonna let people see us hurt. I’m don’t want these things to affect us so im not going to let them!

N: Good for you.

V: I don’t want these things to affect girls; I don’t want lasses to think for a second that all they have to offer is how good they look in a bikini! Because they haven’t, we are funny, we are strong, we raise children, we work, and we work harder than men! We do all these sorts of things and I am not going to be judged on the way I look on one picture, not a chance.

N: Good for you! Honestly that is the message that I believe should be sent. It is the right one for young girls completely.

V: Good, because that is the one that I want. I just want women to support other woman that is above all else! You know it was a lass that wrote that story don’t you.

N: It’s more than likely working on a magazine like that.

V: How many lads do you know working at New magazine?

N: Well they would probably just focus on your tits!

V: Well that’s it! If loaded was still going and that picture went in there it would be like ‘’Busty babe Vicky Pattison flashes her flesh at boot camp!

N: Exactly!

V: It’s a mug off and a dig out when it’s at New mag. I would just like girls to know that they have so much more to offer and to be thankful for what they have got. When I look at them pictures, I try and say to myself, your bum looks good or your legs look better there than they did at the start of the year or your boobs look all right. I would rather look at that than, you’ve got a roll of fat there Vick. I would like lasses to pull out the positives. I think a lass looks in the mirror and sees everything wrong with herself, I would like a smaller waist or, I wish I had so and so’s legs. Where a geezer looks in the mirror and is like yes, look at me! I completely believe that!

N: you’re completely right! That’s my boyfriend and me!

V: So we need to before like men! Girls start focusing on the positives. Support each other and be nice! I know it sounds so unrealistic and like im living in a dream world. Sometimes you have to be negative, I just would like a bit more of self-love and appreciation for other women.

N: You just mentioned there that people would love to see you fail; do you think some of it does link to the DVD because it was such a dramatic shift?

V: I think since I started my fitness journey there has always been people that deem themselves experts in their field that are always like ‘’she was nothing about health and fitness, it’s a con! Then I think to myself you cannot fake what I did! I have never put myself on a pedestal and said I am the number one font of knowledge and fitness, im a guru you must follow what I say and do and you will all lose ten stone immediately. I have never once insinuated that I know it all. I have lost a lot of weight, I do try and eat right, and I do know what’s good for me and what’s not. I do work hard, I don’t consider myself an expert I consider myself a woman who has been through it.

N: that is more relatable!

V: Half of my knowledge I have learnt chatting to other people who have been through stuff! I think people need to relax a little bit and not take things so seriously maybe. I know there are people who get worked up and frustrated at reality TV stars and people in the public eye that have fitness DVDs. My favorite is ‘’you gained weight to release a fitness DVD’’ If you said to any woman ‘’gain weight and ill make you some money’’ I would say take a long walk off of a short cliff top mate, im not gaining weight for anyone. People that are in the public eye fall in to the same traps as everyone else does because we are only human. I had a bad relationship and a busy job that revolved around drinking, partying and going out, and then eating food to recover the next day. I felt sad and down, I was in a bad relationship, all of these things attributed to me gaining weight. Then someone approaches you to do a fitness DVD, whose saying no to training every day and getting a good diet written up, your gonna look great and feel good, and help other women. I don’t know who would say no to that and I don’t know why people are scornful. I never set out to upset anyone I am not preachy. If people don’t like my instagram or my health and fitness there is an easy way to avoid seeing it, just don’t look. Im not that hard to avoid im not everywhere!

N: Where do you see your journey with your body going forward? Do you think you’re always going to fluctuate or do you think you will find a happy medium?

V: I am at my happy medium now, when I go on holiday I always like to be a size eight, its lovely to be an eight in a bikini. Then through the of the year im a happy size eight to ten, I’ve got boobs I’ve got a bum, and my boyfriend likes it that way and I like it that way. I like to look womanly, it sits naturally. I think once you accept the shape of your body you can then make little tweaks to it. If I train hard I get nice arms rather than noodles and a little nipped in waist. I love that, gives you a lovely silhouette when you wear cocktail and pencil dresses! That is what I have learnt to accept. Im thirty this year and I’ve been bigger, been smaller but I am finally at a place where I am happy and content with my body, mentally I am happy and content with who I am. I am not striving for something that is unattainable, im not looking at pictures in magazines or Victoria secret supermodels and lusting on their bodies anymore. I’m not a size six, im nine and a half to ten stone, that’s me. I love being nine and a half and a size eight but sometimes I’m ten stone and a size ten. That’s me, im not going to apologize and say sorry and im not going to be embarrassed. I just want everyone else to say the same thing. And pick out one thing about them that they like, so today my boobs have had some good airtime.

N: Your boobs are bloody amazing!

V: Today I like my boobs. If we all said things like that and looked at what we like about ourselves we would be a lot happier.

N: Do you think your mental well-being goes hand to hand then? You said when you was a size sixteen your relationship publicly fell apart you was in a really unhappy place, so now you are very loved up with John and in a happy place. Do you really notice that?

V: Yeah, I think you do babe. Its healthy body healthy mind and I completely believe that. When I am training right and working hard and have a healthy balance between seeing my boyfriend and seeing my family, if everything is working in harmony and there’s an equilibrium then yeah. It is easier, you do have your Saturday night out with your girls and then you go for your fry up on the Sunday with your boyfriend. It is so much easier to slide in to a kale smoothie on a Monday, and a tuna wrap when you have had that rest on the weekend, you have given your body the break it needs. There has to be a balance of everything in your life for you to be happy. You can’t deprive it of anything, from food groups, so carbs to an aspect like your social life, your romantic life. Every section of your life has to be nurtured, don’t miss anything out. And don’t lose out of something for the fear of gaining a pound, come on, live your life. That’s what makes you happy; having a balance, that’s the secret isn’t it.

N: it’s hard but it is the secret!

V: I know listen to me balance, balance, balance! Sometimes my life is so tilted one way or the other sometimes its so hard to find that balance. That is what I have struggled with over the years. But this year I have balance more than ever. I train hard, its work hard play hard. Everything just seems to be falling in to place. Touch wood!

N: How did you think your weight loss affected your TV career, do you think it goes hand in hand with that, obviously there is such a pressure for people to look a certain way?

V: its hard to say, obviously my career did pick up you cant argue with that its undeniable.

N: and then you had the jungle.

V: Exactly but I don’t think I was put in the jungle as their bikini babe! Anyone who has seen my shower scene will corroborate that! I dropped the soap I was a right mess. But in terms of where I am now, I don’t think I could have done it if I was at my old size. I would wake up in the morning tired, I would wake up dreading what the day had in store for me. I was just lethargic and craving food that I was constantly giving my body that wasn’t good for it like a greasy bacon sandwich covered in tomato sauce. Every once in a while is fine but I was having it everyday! Then I would be even more tired because its not what your body needs to function. Simple tasks exhausted me. And mentally I would not have been able to cope with everything that has been thrown at us. When you are training right, eating well and all the rest of it, you have got more energy, your more excited, and your happier. Being in TV, and interviews, or any active exiting and unpredictable jobs in any warp of life you have to be quite fit and strong and healthy. I struggled to be positive when I was bigger because I was just so tired all the time from everything else because my body was under so much stress and pressure. Then when I lost weight and got some knowledge on what food was good for us and when they was good for us, and how to enjoy things in moderation etc. being positive and enjoying life more was easier. I remember when I used to go down to MTV to do bits and press for Geordie shore, they wouldn’t bring us down to stay in hotels so we would be on a 5am train from Newcastle, and how often to I get up at 5am now its quite regularly and im fine. I do get lovely days off im not complaining. Tomorrow I’m up at 5am that’s fine, and I know im not going to have a carb heavy day. Whereas then I would get up and I would be shattered the second I woke up, I would go for my train with my case and I would get a big bacon sandwich and then fall asleep again on the train.  I would wake up to speak to press and I would be tired, lethargic and in a bad mood, that is probably where I got the reputation, you know like being the bitch on Geordie shore, I was jus exhausted and over weight and that is probably where a lot of it came from. Now, yeah I know what to eat and when to eat it, I know how to get the best from my body and I don’t put unnecessary pressure on it. If I know I have got a big week ahead I wont go out and drink twenty jagerbombs, which I never used to think twice about before. That again was probably down to youthful inexperience. Im older now and im wiser.

N: I used to drink a whole bottle of Malibu on a night out, it’s disgusting.

V: It’s like uni vibes, remember uni?

N: That’s when I used to do it! I used to buy fake Malibu from Iceland, calm Palm Beach or something for four pound! Rotten.

V: We used to have bottles of vodka called Eristoff and we would all go to the club nights, six of us all the girls, clubbing together, it was about a fiver to buy in the shops, so we would all chip in and get mortal off this Eristoff. It must’ve been like paint stripper. Im far more responsible on how I eat and how I drink now! Im starting to be a bit of a wine snob.

N: are you?

V: Yeah!

N: Do you still get drunk?

V: I love a good night out I just prefer it in a different setting. SO I came to the realization the other week that I don’t really like clubs anymore.

N: you were the first to leave James’ event, we are all getting smashed and Vicky is like right guys Im going to go home now! I was smashed, like well done Vick im really proud of you!

V: you wasn’t that bad!

N: Im like it’s hot in here, seems very aggressive, I’ve still got two chapters left in my book, im going home! And I did I went home. My mate came with me, we got room service I had a green tea and we had a nice night. I like a lovely restaurant and a nice bottle of wine. I love being in a beautiful setting with my boyfriend or my mates. I like to chat and laugh and hear the funny things! I picked my friends for a reason, their charismatic, and funny. My boyfriend literally gives birth to charisma, why would I want to sit in a loud club where I can’t hear him? I am slightly over it. Not to say I don’t like good music and letting my hair down every once in a while, but im grown up.

N: Is this the Vicky P 2.0?

V: exactly! It’s Vicky P 2.0! Like gin and tonic enthusiast and lover of early nights.

N: You’re going to tell me your knitting next and playing bingo!

V: I don’t mind a game of bingo you know! I am trying to think of a really old thing I do!

N: Gardening?

V: No, im not a big dirt person!

N: Watch antiques road show?

V: No im not there yet. I mean, im still alive. We like good meals and great drinks. I think my boyfriend turnt to us the other day when we were in Dubai and said I only really like Bollinger now. I was like you knob is this what we have become? We were the people drinking the Palm Beach with you mate a few years ago! And now we are in Dubai saying we only like Bollinger now! Its just like we have grown up, I suppose we just enjoy a drink but in a different way.

N: A little bit more responsible.

V: yeah, and I am not only letting him drink Bollinger all the time now! That is just ludicrous! He thinks he is in made in Chelsea or something!

N: love that, that’s where you can go next!

V: Yeah, that’s my next step.

N: Can I just take you back to what we were saying in terms of your body and weight and TV bosses? Did you notice any change in their attitude. Obviously you noticed a change in your own attitude but was there a change in their attitude towards you when you were different sizes. Some people have spoken out and said when I was smaller I got more work.

V: Do you think? I haven’t noticed that at all. I feel as though the way my career went was a natural progression. Weight loss helped me be more confident and secure in myself. And more open to being who I really was. When I was bigger I was more defensive and shy, I wasn’t as open and bubbly because I didn’t feel as confident. In that way it could’ve helped us, showing the real me, someone who is fun loving and outgoing and up for anything. The way my career was going, I left Geordie shore; I got away from a hardcore party lifestyle. Got my own show on MTV with Judge Geordie, then the jungle followed. It was just a natural progression that I think was more about me growing up than it was about me losing weight. Don’t get me wrong, I have had so many benefits in terms of keeping up with the grueling schedule, I wouldn’t have kept up if I was still overweight, mentally training helps me get through long days but no there was no difference for me in the way I was treated. When I came out of the jungle I have never felt so liberated, I felt like before I went in their people would’ve viewed me as just a reality TV star. I don’t believe this for one second I believe reality TV stars are varied and different and shouldn’t be judged together, they are a cross section of reality, and everyone has got something different. I think a lot of people sort of put me to one side as someone who could look good in a dress.

N: Dismissed you?

V: Then I came out of the jungle and people thought, she’s strong, she is quire ballsy, she’s got something to say for herself, opinionated, a team player. I really did feel like for the first time I wasn’t just a fat girl in a bikini that people thought I was. Or a skinny girl in a nice dress falling out of a nightclub, I wasn’t just any of these things I was Vicky Pattison. And I loved, don’t get me wrong, Vicky Pattison queen of the jungle has a lovely ring to it, but I was just Vicky Pattison, strong women and confident female. More than just a body, a brain behind it as well and that was the nicest and most liberated I have ever felt. People saw us as something more.

N: What do you think would have happened if you hadn’t left Geordie shore when you did?

V: I think I would have had some serious health problems. Its difficult, I was very unhappy.

N: Yeah it just crossed my mind.

V: I couldn’t have stayed, I was deeply unhappy. No disrespect to any of them on it, the programme as a whole I think is incredible; it has given me an amazing platform to do everything I have since. I would never knock it.

N: Even just for your health.

V: It was just a vehicle that had run its course for me. I was exhausted with eh same routine everyday. I couldn’t talk about the same things over an over again. For me I love the way my job is now, one day im doing this in one location chatting to you, then im editing chapters for my new novel, then ill be filming for a show. I love that everyday I wake up and the things I do are different, the people I see are different, the conversations we have a different. I couldn’t talk about being excited to go to Bijoux one more time.

N: its mentally draining I imagine.

V: It was exhausting to have the same conversations about the same places the same people over and over again.

N: and the drama.

V: Drama is draining, I think if anything I have realized as you get older you want an easy life. I was a lot older than the girls in there. And I am a lot older than the girls on it now. I wanted to leave before I became ht miserable cow in the corner. I wanted to look back k on Geordie shore with fond memories, which I do. I laugh when I think about the things I did. Its like looking back on your uni days, and thinking god, it’s a lot wilder, but it gave me amazing experiences with both cast and crew. For me I was just so over it and so done, I think its fair, I am so about self improvement and growth, your under no obligation to be the same person you were five years ago, two years ago, a year ago a month go. And I grew up and changed a bit, that doesn’t mean to say I don’t still watch Geordie shore sometimes, or flick n to ex on the beach or towie. Reality TV is still hilarious and brilliant; it’s just not where I wanted my future to be.

N: Understandable.

V: it was a little bit invasive.

N: Just a little! Do you still keep any of your clothes from those days as a reminder?

V: I had a massive clear out, we moved out of my family home about two years ago, and loads of things went, god my style, especially when I first started, I had the opinion that less was more. I had this bright pink bandage dress from Jane Norman, it looks like a sock, I was like did I honestly wear that? I must’ve looked like I was wearing a giant sock! It was tiny, now im all about classy cleavage or a nice bit of back or sexy shoulder. But Christ I didn’t know what wasn’t out! I am a big clothes hoarder but I got rid a couple of years ago, it was a bit of an eye opener. The strong pink sock was probably a highlight for me. And I loved an espadrille for some reason. I don’t know why because I haven’t got the longest legs, but I was bang into the ones that went up your leg, very gladiator.

N:  Right!

V: I do like Russell crow but I don’t know where that come from. Weird. Definitely questionable fashion choices for me back in the Geordie shore days. We all go through it I wont beat myself up!

N: oh yeah! Did you keep any of your size sixteen clothes, as a reminder?

V: No I didn’t, I didn’t have a lot of clothes in a size sixteen I was very much in denial, there was a lot of large size 12 clothes, like size 12 leggings stretched within an inch of their life. You know when your like well they say 12 so im a size 12. So yeah there was a lot of denial going on and a lot of Lycra, a lot of stretch, lots of polyester Lycra blends. I was all about that life, yolo! Looking back not the strongest choices.

N: Did losing weight change the self-loathing feelings? Did that have an effect?

V: It’s difficult for me to compartment how difficult it was for me and how I felt about it. As I lost weight I became more famous, more well known and in the public eye. The more that happens the more self-conscious you feel. So regardless of me losing weight or not, the more scrutiny I felt. The more pressure I put on myself. I can’t say that when I lost weight I felt better because I just felt more pressure. There was more people watching and I was under more scrutiny, there is no other way to describe it. It’s difficult to pin point. There are so many other factors. I know I feel better when I am healthy, that’s not smaller, and that’s healthier. When I am well rested, when I am eating nice things and making time to go to the gym, when im not partying to hard that is when I feel better. It is always hard, as my career took off there was more people watching and essentially a lot more stress on the way you look. You are very aware; you would have to be stupid not to be aware. Its just controlling he awareness and not letting it consume you.

N: don’t Google it.

V: Little helpful hints, don’t Google it, don’t read the comments on the daily mail, never ever.

N: has there ever been a particular one that has stuck with you?

V: Never mate. I tell you what, I was with a boyfriend many years ago, and we were going out, I wont mention his name, we had been out and it was New years even and I left him to do something the next day. He was hung-over, and we were both a bit needy. He rang us and was like Vick, I did something stupid. And im thinking what has he done, has he cheated? He went I red the comments on the daily mail. I said to him I told you to never read the comments on the daily mail! And he said I don’t know why I did it; it was like I wanted to be hurt! He said they ripped him apart on everything from his jaw line to his watch. I said what did they say about your watch and he said it’s a Casio! I have not red them for a very long time, there is no happiness there. There is nothing to be gained from there but that is an experience that has opened my eyes. Its like in the lion king when Mufasa is giving Simba the tour and says that is the ___ lands don’t go there, that is the daily mail, don’t go there. They can be anything from the sublime to the ridiculous. There isn’t anything that’s going to make me feel better about myself and at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. It matters what I think, and my boyfriend and family and people who know me think. I do try and sensor myself

N: I think that’s the only way to stay sane. Take it with a pinch of salt. Which is so easy to say but some nights when your tired, your sleeps alluding you and you sit and think ‘im gonna read my instagram comments’

V: they are really mixed though I think.

V: Most of them are really nice on instagram so I cant complain, and if their not I delete the comment and block the person. I reserve my right to do that.

N: I would do exactly the same thing its on your picture.

V: The support I receive on my instagram is often quite overwhelming. Sometimes it can move us to tears, im quite a tearful person.

N: Do you mind me asking if you still go to therapy now?

V: no honestly mate, I have thought about it a few times, for no other reason than I miss the speakmans, I miss them as people and I miss the family. A little boy called hunter and the daughter called Liv who are honestly the most amazing people in the world. I find them phenomenal. Last year and the year before were difficult times for me, for various reasons, however this year things have fallen into place.  I couldn’t have dealt with these nasty pictures last year. They would’ve floored us.

N: why is that?

V: too busy, too busy, too much work, not enough time with my family, not enough people around me that truly cared about me. It was a very lonely year. And something like this would’ve knocked us for six. However this year I’ve got a fantastic support system, which I have always done but its even better now. I make more time for them and myself, I see my mum more and she is the best listener, John is the only man in the world I have ever respected. I used to get frustrated when I said to someone, there’s this story in the papers and they would say just ignore it and I would think, how do you know how hard it is to just ignore it. I was just saying there was something in my life that I am upset about and I used to get frustrated when friends tried to help. Whereas now when john sits there he listens, he says I can’t understand how you feel but look at it this way, he calms me down and provides me with a sense of clarity and calmness that I’ve never had before. And I never want to be without that feeling.

N: What is it that he has got?

V: Charisma and a really nice body. He is the first man I have ever felt stimulates my mind and body, I admire him as a person; he is focused and strong, he’s intelligent and kind. I can often misjudge a situation because I am very emotional and passionate, whereas he is observant and impartial. He compliments me very well. I need someone who is mindful and measured, who doesn’t let me take the piss. I need all these things, he sits and listens to me about my business measures but he is not listening so that when I finish he can talk he is listening so that he can understand. I have never had that.

N: he isn’t there for personal gain.

V: There is nothing he can gain from me, there is nothing or professional or monitory that I gain from him. We gain each other.

N: I think it was in an interview that you did that you said he is the only man that you have ever truly loved. When did you realize that, was it now looking back or at the time because you have in the past been engaged?

V: you always think you are in love. No one gets into an interview thinking no I don’t love you. Its silly, I would be lying if I said I didn’t think I loved everyone I had been with, you get swept up and carried away with lust and the so called romantic gestures and you feel like you are in love. It’s a fake love, the lust, being irrational, and its all-different things. For me I thought I was in love loads. When you’re in love properly, he matters to me more than I matter to myself; I care more about him being ok more than I do about myself. I feel like I dot know how I ever managed to survive without him. I think about him all the time.

N: you are smitten!

V: I am a smitten kitten! He cares about me so much. I have been so controlled and smothered, I have had so many terrible relationships and boyfriends that I didn’t really understand how I was meant to be treated, I just knew that it wasn’t the way I had been treated. He is so supportive and kind; he is actively interested in my career. Not just when can you come home, when can I see you, he is like I miss you so much baby but I am so proud of you. He notices stuff, little things like you did that really well today but you shouldn’t have fidgeted, or I loved that photo shoot you did today but I think I liked it better without the red lippy. His attention to detail just proves how much he cares.

N: that is what you need especially after what you have had in the past. I red something that said you once thought that you deserved to be treated badly it made me really sad.

V: The speakmans that helped me come to this conclusion, it was like you receive the love you think you deserve, you look for it. If you read enough about yourself, that your worthless or a monster or trashy you believe it is what you are and subconsciously you seek men who treat you like that and I did. I went out with nasty boys, who I knew deep down weren’t nice but I think because I knew that, and I had the safety blanket of knowing they weren’t nice when they did hurt me I wasn’t shocked. I wasn’t surprised. Last year I had all but given up on finding someone. I just said I was going to focus on my career and work all the time, im gonna take my mum and my sister on nice holidays, and be like a female Hugh Heffner having young gentleman friends whenever I felt like it, that is literally how I imagined my life. Loads of money and that’s how I would compensate. That’s how I thought, because I couldn’t trust anyone.  I thought I couldn’t find a man who would be ok with how hard I work and how im not afraid to speak my mind and how I want what I want, and I am emotional and don’t do anything by halves. This is all a lot for a man to take and I got it and understood. Lads loved the idea of an independent woman but when it boils down to it and your the one saying oh ill get this, or its fine don’t worry ill pay for the taxi, or I cant make that wedding because im doing this. The realization of a strong independent woman is not what they expected. They get emasculated very quickly and the boyfriends I have had act out. When they realize they cant compete with you in a professional or financial sense they look for other ways to get their masculinity back and that is cheating. Its dead easy for me to talk about now but it was hard for me to get my head around why these lads couldn’t understand that I was bringing something to the table, fuck I was the table. Why can’t they understand that? The male and female roles were definitely skewed and they struggled. John is the first man that has ever looked at me and seen us as his equal rather than someone to compete with.

N: that is something.

V: its ridiculous, and he still treats us like gold as well. Never once takes the piss.

N: I think that it’s easy to see the difference between you in this cover chat and the last one.

V: did I seem quite down in the last one?

N: you didn’t seem down but it was more the fact that you was saying, it was like your best friend Alex, I don’t remember exactly what you said but it was like, he was such a nice boy that you didn’t want to go there because you had been with nice guys and just got bored and it just fizzles out. Something there has kind of changed as well.

V: I think its dead easy for me to say Alex was a really nice guy and this person was wrong because of this, that person didn’t work out because of that, there is none of that. Those people didn’t work out because they weren’t right. That’s it, that’s all there is into it. It’s the girl version of they just weren’t that into you! They just weren’t right and john is. That’s all there is to it. How nice he is and all of that doesn’t come in to it, its just right. He’s the one, he is my penguin. Do you know about penguins?

N: Yes they mate for life! And the dad looks after the egg!

V: I don’t know if we are going to have eggs any time soon!

N: I did see what you said about that!

V: not a big egg fan. I might get a nice dog, a really nice one. A good-looking dog.

N: well one step as it comes, would you like marriage or?

V: ill tell you what, this year I was single forever being a female Hugh Heffner, this year im loved up!

N: Next year, preggers! Im calling it.

V: There you go. Ill let you have that, book us a cover next year and we will see. This can be where we have our yearly catch ups.

N: Do you think marriage is on the cards? Is it something you would like?

V: With all of my heart. I didn’t think it was, I am not one of these girls that was like dollies and dressing up in a bed sheet. That has never been my vibe. Since meeting John it is definitely that has been on my mind more than ever before. There has been a conversation between him and me. I don’t want to spend my life with anyone else and he doesn’t want to spend his with anyone else either. He has also told me im his penguin.

N: Do we think there might be an engagement before the end of the year?

V: That’s his decision isn’t it! Im forward thinking and an independent woman but there is no chance im getting down on one knee anytime soon babe. The ball is in John’s court and he knows that and I am not a girl to pressure. I never had any plans babe so its not like im like oh biological clock and all of that for kids. Its like I know we are right and I know he is right for me and I love him dearly. So whenever he is ready, he knows where I am.